Don't read this if your mind is closed to literature, you hate on "kids" who just wanna go back to college, or you hated Inception.

I had dinner with a few former English Ed. pals of mine tonight, just to catch up on each other's lives. (Before I get to my point, I must point out that English Ed people are very tightnit and are a very exclusive family group of sorts.) We, all being recent graduates, not only talked about the present but reflected on our past few years as English majors. As we reflected, a familiar feeling resurfaced. A feeling we felt everyday as English majors and unanimously agreed was a key ingredient to our passion, Psychological Stimulation.

Scientifically, that's what all humans look for in an occupation, or (if not an occupation) in a past time and/or hobby. It looks different for every person, but in the reliving the days of not so long ago, I was reminded of what that looks like for me and most people that share my passion for literature. For those readers who wonder why the heck anyone likes English, maybe this will give a little insight.

To me, the first thing that draws me to studying literature in an educational setting is finding an idea, being consumed by that idea and then trying to prove that idea. It's like Leonardo DiCaprio said in Inception ,"What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate." When writing an essay, analyzing a piece of literature,or working toward a goal of any kind, I always find an idea, an inspiration. An idea that I can't get rid of and has to come out. That's what writing a paper is like for me. It's finding something to prove, knowing there are going to be challenges and obstacles, then getting that overwhelming sense of pride after I know I've done it! After writing my papers, most times, I'd feel like a genius, that I was on top of my game somehow!

It is really no different from a scientist trying to prove that his or her theory is a law; or a lawyer swimming through facts, trying to prove what he or she believes is true. It can also be taken like an athlete who aspires to be better, finding a strategy that will bring him/her to the ultimate goal of winning. Writing a paper is my day in court, it's the laboratory where I will make a life-changing discovery, and where I'll win first place in the competition against the doubters and even myself.

I know it's possible to have that feeling when reading as a "civilian" (ha ha) but nothing is the same for me now. When I was in school, there was a reason, a goal, a motivation to think critically. There was someone to listen when I had inspiring thoughts about a work, but not as much anymore. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends who like to read, but very few that will sit with me for long periods of time and hear my theories on a story. Stimulating conversation is something I truly miss.

Not only was I challenged but being a "student theorist" also inspired me. When I was reading for a reason, I read everything critically. In turn, it inspired me to not only write about the work itself but to write things of my own. I used to write really well, and now that I don't write anymore, I feel like I've lost something. Maybe it is as they say, "If you don't use it, you lose it." I remember many a time when I would be reading for a class and the work would inspire me to write. Not just a critical essay but fiction, autobiography, etc. I felt like I really had something to say, and could articulate it well enough for it to be relevant to everyone. I don't feel that inspiration anymore, and I would really love to have that again.

 I miss feeling like I was good at something, that I had something to accomplish. That is how I felt everyday when I was studying English in school. Of course, there was a lot of blood, sweat and tears that went into it daily, but the end result always felt richer! For all those out there who have been out of school a while and have learned to achieve psychological stimulation without having to be in a classroom to do it, congratulations, I know you're reading this saying "what a dumb kid, she just needs to move on". Maybe you're right, but what I felt tonight while looking back was a reawakening of passion that reminds me why I want to continue. It's what drives me, and I thought I would share. Like I said, such psychological stimulation can create an all-consuming inspiration to put into words, what one is thinking. This was mine, so put that in your "negative nelly" pipe and smoke it. :P